May 11th 2013

I often wonder what people mean when they tell me I’m funny. Also when they say to me, “Oh Emily, only you”. I like to think that they think I am genuinely hilarious and that only I say such wonderfully funny things. But, I’ve been thinking about it and I reckon they mean this, “You are weird. You are outrageously inappropriate and I am beginning to wonder why I spend time with you”.

It’s true. I am inappropriate. I am one of those people who says what everyone else is thinking. Plus some. 

This one time (not at band camp) I said to a friend of mine, “I’m so sorry to hear about your mum” (her mum had recently died) “that’s really crap”! WHO says that to a grieving woman? Me. That’s who. I don’t engage my brain before stuff comes rushing out of my mouth. I really out to practice that.

Another thing I do that can be totally inappropriate, I talk about sex. Always me. All the time. Not in a crude way (not always!), but I can be relied upon to bring it up (no pun intended). If you want to have a civilized girly evening or a nice grown up shindig, don’t invite me!

It’s fun though. You have to embrace the inappropriateness sometimes. Or you can be stiff (HA) and grown up. But I will laugh when people say “I was up at the crack of Dawn” or when someone admires how well something was erected! Seriously, how can you not?! 

Speaking of being inappropriate, my husband and I are teaching our daughter the ways. I am lucky to have married a male version of myself. We giggle at the small things. My caption for this photo is, “Mummy, I like being an only child. Keep using these!”.

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So, if you want some spice adding to an event, you know where to come!!

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May 2nd 2013

Today I discovered that I am turning in to my mother.

When I was little she used to dance along to music. My sisters and I would mock her for it as it involved her swaying and waving her hands around in front of her. It was funny and it was what mummy did. Well, today, whilst the baby was eating lunch in her Bumbo, I was grooving along to Imagine Dragons’ new album, Night Visions (incredible album by the way), and the baby was laughing at me. I was mortified to realise that I wasn’t grooving (gosh, who says ‘grooving’?!), but I was swaying around the kitchen whilst waving my hands around in front of me. See!! It is happening. I already have tissues in every pocket because I have a constant drip at the end of my nose, thank you mother. Next I will be driving along a country road and pull over because “Look, there is some horse poo. That will make excellent fertiliser for the garden”. Save me. Someone. Anyone. I’m only 25…

Speaking of dripping noses, I saw an old lady with the drippiest nose in history today (and no, it wasn’t my mum. Or me). Actually, I suppose it would be more correct to say that I nearly ran over an old lady with the drippiest nose in history today. Not because she had a drippy nose, because she was in her own old lady world and stepped out in front of my car. At least I know the brakes work!

I ventured out of my home town today. It is a rare occurence. I even ventured out with a friend (one of the few, I ran over the rest) and her baby. We went to (oh my goodness, I really am old before my time…) a garden centre. It was really nice! We looked at fish, baby toys, photo frames, trees, and all things gardeny. There was a giant teddy that I really wanted to buy for my daughter as she was in love with it, but it was £20 and I think my husband wouldn’t talk to me for a long time if I spent that on a stuffed toy! As it is, tonight I have to put up with him having a ‘killer’ headache. Oh lucky, lucky me.

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May 1st 2013

The sun shone and it was actually warm! It was so warm that I decided to eat my porridge outside.

I told all my friends on facebook that I was eating my breakfast ‘ alfresco’ and then I panicked and thought that ‘alfresco’ meant ‘naked’. It sounds like it should mean naked. A quick check on Google informed me that I was right the first time and I was indeed eating my porridge outside, not naked. 

The baby had her first proper experience of the garden today (pictured below). I must remember to get rid of the dog poo before she goes out there in the future. She almost had  a handful. Urgh. She clearly wanted to get her own back as she tiddled on the carpet later on. What a delightful child I produced!

I learnt a valuable lesson today (it’s only taken seven and a half months): Don’t bounce a baby after you’ve fed her. Your outfit will not remain clean. Neither will your bed sheets. Or her outfit.

It’s been a fairly busy day. I have been very social which is unusual for me as I’m usually a miserable bugger with no friends. Well, I say social. I saw my aunt and two sisters. I don’t suppose that really counts. So, I’m still a miserable bugger with no friends then! 

After a car crash a month ago (a van man drove into the back of me and pushed me into the car in front), we finally got a car sorted at the weekend and I picked it up today. Apparently I am a shrewd car buyer! Whatever the dickens that means. Let’s just hope no one drives into me again. If the do then I might just have to ‘drop’ something at them 😉

I am currently sitting at the kitchen table whilst my friends set up their new version of The Settlers of Catan. I. Must. Win.

Photo: Check out the pout!